Your Brain's Stories Aren't Facts: 5 Kind Ways to Untangle From Unhelpful Thoughts
Let me guess. Your mind has been running a commentary today that sounds something like: "You're messing up again. Everyone can tell you're struggling. You should be coping better by now."
Sound familiar?
Here's the thing I've learned as a psychologist with ADHD: your mind is a storyteller, not a news reporter. It spins stories to keep you safe but those stories aren't always true. And when you're navigating menopause and ADHD together, the stories get louder. Hot flush? "Something's wrong with you." Brain fog? "You're losing it." Tired? "You're lazy."
Instead of fighting your thoughts or believing them blindly, you can learn to unhook from them. To notice them as mental events not commands you have to follow.
So how do you actually start unhooking from unhelpful thoughts? Here are five gentle, practical strategies.
1. The Workability Question
When a thought shows up instead of saying "I can't cope with this" don't argue with it. Just ask yourself one question: If I let this thought guide my behaviour, where does it take me? Toward the life I want, or away from it?
If believing "I can't cope" leads you to cancel plans, snap at your partner, and hide under a blanket that's not workable. But noticing the thought and doing the thing anyway? That's workable. You don't have to believe the thought. You just have to check if it helps you.
2. Naming the Story
Your mind has favourite stories it tells over and over. Maybe it's the "I'm not good enough" story. Or the "Everyone thinks I'm weird" story. Or the "I'll never get through menopause" story.
Give your story a silly name. "Ah, here's the 'Brain Fog Doom' story again." Or "Oh look, the 'My Partner Doesn't Get It' sequel."
Naming the story creates distance. You're not in the story anymore. You're watching it from the comfy seat of the cinema.
3. The Silly Voice Trick
This one sounds ridiculous. That's exactly why it works.
Next time your mind says "You're failing at everything," say it back but in a cartoon voice. Or sing it to the tune of "Happy Birthday." Or say it very, very slowly, like a sloth on tranquilizers.
When you change the voice, you change the power. The thought loses its gravity. You realise: it's just words.
4. Computer Screen
Imagine your unhelpful thought is on a computer screen. Now play with it. Change the font to Comic Sans. Make it bright pink. Animate it so the words bounce around. Add a little dancing banana emoji next to it.
You're not trying to delete the thought. You're just seeing it differently. And when you see it differently, it stops bossing you around.
5. "Thank You, Mind"
This is my personal favourite. When your mind throws up a worry or a criticism, simply say: "Thank you, mind. That's an interesting thought."
You're not agreeing with it. You're not fighting it. You're just acknowledging that your mind is doing its job trying to protect you, even if it's clumsy about it. Then you can turn your attention back to whatever you were doing.
Your thoughts are not your enemies. They're just mental events clouds passing through the sky of your awareness. You don't have to chase every cloud. You don't have to be knocked over by every storm. You can just notice them, name them, and let them keep moving.
And if you need more help learning to unhook from the stories that hold you back? That's exactly what I help women do. You don't have to figure it out alone.
